Wow! This is really deep and personal, Rick. It makes me wonder what things I may be suppressing or that may be impacting me in negative ways. When I look back at my past, nothing sticks out as a form of bullying or any other type of trauma, but I'm now wondering, “what might I be missing?”
Also, happy to hear you received a clean bill of health from the doctor.
Mar 28, 2023·edited Mar 28, 2023Liked by Rick Lewis
This was somewhat heart-rending. Thank you for writing this, for choosing to share and for letting us in on your journey, for baring yourself for us to see. Strangely, in your act of writing and shining a light on your inner world, I feel so seen. Almost like I'm less alone. Like a felt sense of greater awareness that one is less alone rather than theoretically believing we are not alone as an article of faith. I think I didn't realise how much I'd gaslit myself into thinking... my problems were insane and not real problems till I read your honest reflection on this very phenomenon. This is an essay I will be coming back to many times for that reason alone -- you made me feel less alone. Really Rick, thank you.
I hope we are all able to find space for self-compassion, when we discover these parts of ourselves. <3
You have a such a beautiful way of weaving storytelling with wisdom.
I look forward to learning about your upcoming two memberships.
I resonated with so much that you shared!
-I’m learning to hold space for my inner bully because she drives me to be productive and create (and I love when people resonate with and are transformed by the wisdom I share.)
-I create what I most need. Each of my articles is a way for me to process my insecurities and issues into life lessons. Without my inner bully, I would be a 100% content soul but then, I might have nothing to process or write.
If I had read your article on Medium, I would have highlighted the below passages
-I applied myself to self-improvement. Surely I could become a person who was worth the grant of safety, protection, love, and rest. My past had proved that I didn’t warrant this by default — and so I would earnit.
-An inner bully who was hovering and ready—no matter where I went, what I thought, what I did — to condemn, punish, scrutinize, and stir up fear for its life. No bully has ever been worse than me.
-My entire life has been focused around the pursuit of full aliveness as an individual and the desire to help others embrace their most full, present, joyful, creative, and giving nature. I can see now how much that has been driven by a need to help myself.
Love this, Rick! In the work we do, we so often find in our clients (and in ourselves) that the "inner bully" as you called it (whether it is a result of direct trauma or the absorbed words of a parent or other authority figure -- it's own form of trauma) is the toughest one of all -- until we learn to deal with it and change that relationship. Thanks for another thought-provoking article.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. I'm happy you found my comments useful. In answer to your question about whether I work in the field of trauma...I have worked with people who have intellectual and developmental disabilities for my entire career. As a group, people with these labels (and any disability or mental health label) have experienced much more abuse and adverse events than in the general population. I can categorically say that almost all the people with whom I've worked in my long career have experienced trauma. As professionals, we have done an extremely poor, and often inhumane and unethical job of responding to the pain that people have sustained.
For the past 4 years I have immersed myself in the study of trauma from a multitude of perspectives--emotional, psychological, biological, collective, and generational. I've attended many online summits that presented a wide variety of speakers who are experts in the field. I've probably watched between 50-60 hours of lectures and read numerous books and articles by some of the people I named to you. I've learned a tremendous amount, and it has helped me recognize the impact of some significant experiences and circumstances in my own life. It has led to a healing path for me.
This last year, I have designed a project that I am working to manifest - An Integrative Approach to Healing Trauma for People with Intellectual/Developmental Disabilities. It is a very comprehensive project that includes many different modalities for healing and becoming whole so that people can move towards thriving. I've done a lot of thinking about all of this--your mother can attest to this, as she reviewed and edited the proposal for the project that I wrote. I am currently looking to attract people who are interested and want to become part of a healing community that I wish to form--healing from trauma is not a one-person show.
Anyway, just a few final comments. When I read your description of the physical symptoms you experienced that took you to the ER, it sounded like a panic attack, which is often mistaken for a heart attack. I have had one panic attack in my life--it took me by total surprise and was extremely frightening. I don't wish that experience on anyone! The important thing to know is that trauma responses are not volitional-we don't "choose" to respond this way. These responses become wired into our nervous system. The other important thing to note is that we cannot "think" the trauma away--again, this is a felt sense, not something we experience in our brain until after our body has already responded. That's why somatic work and other physical forms of work are so important.
A book you may be interested in is, "It Didn't Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle," by Mark Wolynn. The book is very readable and has excellent exercises in it.
OK, I've rambled on longer than you probably want to read. As you can probably tell, I'm very excited about this topic and love to share the incredible information I've learned. If there's any way in which I can be of help to you, please let me know.
What you have described in this article is the classic response to trauma, not an inner bully. When we experience an adverse event, everything in us--physical, mental and emotional--responds in a way to make sure we survive. This response becomes encoded in us at a cellular and neurological level through the Vagus nerve. This response serves us well, otherwise we wouldn't survive, especially if we experience repeated adverse events (like multiple instances of bullying by others). The trouble is, we begin to generalize this trauma response to things that, in reality, are not a threat to our survival--what you call "manufacturing threats." In order to heal from this and metabolize the previous experiences, it's important to do somatic work to get back into our bodies so that we can intercept the trauma response in situations in which it's not warranted. I recommend you checking into the work of the following people: Dr. Peter Levine, Dr. Gabor Mate, Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk. Thomas Hubl and many others. There is a wealth of information online about healing trauma--it's a hot topic right now, as the pandemic pulled the veil aside as we all experienced adversity via Covid.
Humm can totally relate to this feeling. The heart wants to connect, comfort, help while the mind says no you can’t do that for fear and excuses take over. Great share here Rick will work on this as I could really use that feeling of letting go so spaciousness can return without the guilt trip.
Powerful, Rick. I *feel* for you. Interesting narrative you spun up around bullying— and I wonder if it’s the best choice for you moving forward. But I have full confidence in you, and your path towards self-awareness. Best of luck, Rick! --Leo
So interesting and well-written, Rick. I wonder what the simple act of writing about this has produced inside you, whether it has made any changes, or relief. Communicating these feelings is no easy feat, and going back in time to re-live all these strong emotions can be painful. I admire your transparency and ability to let your vulnerability shape your thoughts in a fearless, spontaneous, natural way. This is a gift. To you and whoever has the fortune to read this piece. You made me think of what my personal path might reveal of how I see life and myself today. An exploration that’s probably hard to endure but beneficial in the end. We’re pretty much the same age, and I, like you, feel that learning unknown things about me is an opportunity to be the sole spectator to the film of my own past reeling before my eyes. I’m also a friend, and I’m here whenever you feel like talking to someone in the other side of the world.
Wow! This is really deep and personal, Rick. It makes me wonder what things I may be suppressing or that may be impacting me in negative ways. When I look back at my past, nothing sticks out as a form of bullying or any other type of trauma, but I'm now wondering, “what might I be missing?”
Also, happy to hear you received a clean bill of health from the doctor.
Thank you for writing this!
“A softening was occurring, which in some ways left me feeling slightly unrecognizable to myself.”
What a powerful piece, Rick. I especially love the line above and how it unravelled so much in you.
This was somewhat heart-rending. Thank you for writing this, for choosing to share and for letting us in on your journey, for baring yourself for us to see. Strangely, in your act of writing and shining a light on your inner world, I feel so seen. Almost like I'm less alone. Like a felt sense of greater awareness that one is less alone rather than theoretically believing we are not alone as an article of faith. I think I didn't realise how much I'd gaslit myself into thinking... my problems were insane and not real problems till I read your honest reflection on this very phenomenon. This is an essay I will be coming back to many times for that reason alone -- you made me feel less alone. Really Rick, thank you.
I hope we are all able to find space for self-compassion, when we discover these parts of ourselves. <3
Dear Rick,
I’m so glad that you are healthy!
You have a such a beautiful way of weaving storytelling with wisdom.
I look forward to learning about your upcoming two memberships.
I resonated with so much that you shared!
-I’m learning to hold space for my inner bully because she drives me to be productive and create (and I love when people resonate with and are transformed by the wisdom I share.)
-I create what I most need. Each of my articles is a way for me to process my insecurities and issues into life lessons. Without my inner bully, I would be a 100% content soul but then, I might have nothing to process or write.
If I had read your article on Medium, I would have highlighted the below passages
-I applied myself to self-improvement. Surely I could become a person who was worth the grant of safety, protection, love, and rest. My past had proved that I didn’t warrant this by default — and so I would earnit.
-An inner bully who was hovering and ready—no matter where I went, what I thought, what I did — to condemn, punish, scrutinize, and stir up fear for its life. No bully has ever been worse than me.
-My entire life has been focused around the pursuit of full aliveness as an individual and the desire to help others embrace their most full, present, joyful, creative, and giving nature. I can see now how much that has been driven by a need to help myself.
:) :) :) Jenny
You're welcome!
Love this, Rick! In the work we do, we so often find in our clients (and in ourselves) that the "inner bully" as you called it (whether it is a result of direct trauma or the absorbed words of a parent or other authority figure -- it's own form of trauma) is the toughest one of all -- until we learn to deal with it and change that relationship. Thanks for another thought-provoking article.
Hi Rick,
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. I'm happy you found my comments useful. In answer to your question about whether I work in the field of trauma...I have worked with people who have intellectual and developmental disabilities for my entire career. As a group, people with these labels (and any disability or mental health label) have experienced much more abuse and adverse events than in the general population. I can categorically say that almost all the people with whom I've worked in my long career have experienced trauma. As professionals, we have done an extremely poor, and often inhumane and unethical job of responding to the pain that people have sustained.
For the past 4 years I have immersed myself in the study of trauma from a multitude of perspectives--emotional, psychological, biological, collective, and generational. I've attended many online summits that presented a wide variety of speakers who are experts in the field. I've probably watched between 50-60 hours of lectures and read numerous books and articles by some of the people I named to you. I've learned a tremendous amount, and it has helped me recognize the impact of some significant experiences and circumstances in my own life. It has led to a healing path for me.
This last year, I have designed a project that I am working to manifest - An Integrative Approach to Healing Trauma for People with Intellectual/Developmental Disabilities. It is a very comprehensive project that includes many different modalities for healing and becoming whole so that people can move towards thriving. I've done a lot of thinking about all of this--your mother can attest to this, as she reviewed and edited the proposal for the project that I wrote. I am currently looking to attract people who are interested and want to become part of a healing community that I wish to form--healing from trauma is not a one-person show.
Anyway, just a few final comments. When I read your description of the physical symptoms you experienced that took you to the ER, it sounded like a panic attack, which is often mistaken for a heart attack. I have had one panic attack in my life--it took me by total surprise and was extremely frightening. I don't wish that experience on anyone! The important thing to know is that trauma responses are not volitional-we don't "choose" to respond this way. These responses become wired into our nervous system. The other important thing to note is that we cannot "think" the trauma away--again, this is a felt sense, not something we experience in our brain until after our body has already responded. That's why somatic work and other physical forms of work are so important.
A book you may be interested in is, "It Didn't Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle," by Mark Wolynn. The book is very readable and has excellent exercises in it.
OK, I've rambled on longer than you probably want to read. As you can probably tell, I'm very excited about this topic and love to share the incredible information I've learned. If there's any way in which I can be of help to you, please let me know.
Wishing you the best,
Deborah
What you have described in this article is the classic response to trauma, not an inner bully. When we experience an adverse event, everything in us--physical, mental and emotional--responds in a way to make sure we survive. This response becomes encoded in us at a cellular and neurological level through the Vagus nerve. This response serves us well, otherwise we wouldn't survive, especially if we experience repeated adverse events (like multiple instances of bullying by others). The trouble is, we begin to generalize this trauma response to things that, in reality, are not a threat to our survival--what you call "manufacturing threats." In order to heal from this and metabolize the previous experiences, it's important to do somatic work to get back into our bodies so that we can intercept the trauma response in situations in which it's not warranted. I recommend you checking into the work of the following people: Dr. Peter Levine, Dr. Gabor Mate, Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk. Thomas Hubl and many others. There is a wealth of information online about healing trauma--it's a hot topic right now, as the pandemic pulled the veil aside as we all experienced adversity via Covid.
Humm can totally relate to this feeling. The heart wants to connect, comfort, help while the mind says no you can’t do that for fear and excuses take over. Great share here Rick will work on this as I could really use that feeling of letting go so spaciousness can return without the guilt trip.
Powerful, Rick. I *feel* for you. Interesting narrative you spun up around bullying— and I wonder if it’s the best choice for you moving forward. But I have full confidence in you, and your path towards self-awareness. Best of luck, Rick! --Leo
So interesting and well-written, Rick. I wonder what the simple act of writing about this has produced inside you, whether it has made any changes, or relief. Communicating these feelings is no easy feat, and going back in time to re-live all these strong emotions can be painful. I admire your transparency and ability to let your vulnerability shape your thoughts in a fearless, spontaneous, natural way. This is a gift. To you and whoever has the fortune to read this piece. You made me think of what my personal path might reveal of how I see life and myself today. An exploration that’s probably hard to endure but beneficial in the end. We’re pretty much the same age, and I, like you, feel that learning unknown things about me is an opportunity to be the sole spectator to the film of my own past reeling before my eyes. I’m also a friend, and I’m here whenever you feel like talking to someone in the other side of the world.